I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
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you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
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Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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