god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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