I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
