Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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