You're so nebulous sometimes
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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