I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Actions speak louder than pants.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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