I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
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I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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