I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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