Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
