I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
