I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
