No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
