dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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