Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
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There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
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She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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