i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize