i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
