Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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