I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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