Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
