Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
