How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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