she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
