apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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