if i can run in heels then i can drive
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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