So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
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they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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