It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
