it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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