yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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