I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
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Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
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You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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