guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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