so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
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it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
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