WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Drake has all the answers
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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