She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
