How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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