i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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