My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
