I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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