im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The struggles of a small town man whore
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
