She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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