I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
