The maid of honor just puked.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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