My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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