The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
