my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
This baby is an asshole
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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