woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
