how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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