shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
