I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
