He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
