If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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