i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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