ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
