she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
