no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
