y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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